Paralysis

There is so much I want to talk about, but I can't and I don't want to put it down in print. Because despite how frustrating and stressful it all is, I also just want it to pass so that I can move on and leave it all behind me. It's not how I want to do things, but since everything has been wrenched out of my control, then there's little point in hanging onto what is not mine and attempting to make things right.

It's not personal. It's business. At times like these, I am painfully reminded of how much of myself I've buried to make this corporate gig work, how it is antithecal to my nature, and how in my dreams, there is no Fortune 500 company, no jet-setting life, no fancy job title and expense account.

I do not regret the time I have spent back in Singapore, for there are some things one has to do no matter what. Yet in the lead-up to my move, I have caught myself wondering just what kind of person I'd be today had I not returned. I hesitate to think that I've lost seven years of myself, but once every so often, I find myself in moments where everything surrounding me just seems completely wrong. Nor am I so deluded into thinking that there is some mythical place where everything will be just right, I know better.

I do know this. That as I walked the cobblestone streets to my new home last week, as I climbed the winding stairs to my apartment, I caught a glimmer of my dream again. And for the first time in many years, I dared to think of ways to make it come true.

And that, was a wonderful, beautiful feeling.